Cultivating Space

For those of you that don’t know, I recently took a massive leap of faith and moved from San Diego up to Bend, OR. It was a pretty last minute impulsive decision for me and as things are finally beginning to fall into place, I’m understanding more and more as to why I was pulled up here.

For pretty much my entire life I’ve lived in a big city or not far from one. Don't get me wrong, I think there is a lot of beauty in cities… with all the movement, energy, and fire. But, what I also realized is that I needed a big change of pace and a place to find more rest & stillness. 

Moving to a town surrounded my the most majestic mountains has been such a breath of fresh air, literally. However, it hasn't been all rainbows and butterflies either. Aside from the logistics of moving, like finding a place to live and a job, this place has offered me a lot of space. Space in the physical sense, but more of what I’m talking about is space in the energetic body to feel into things.

I’ve come to the hard truth that I’ve been running hard and fast from feeling a sense of space for while. Since graduating high school, really, I’ve either been chasing another degree, certification, relationship, job, creating a business, or something else to preoccupy a sense of space. It’s not to say these things haven't been incredibly rewarding and I’m proud of a lot of it, but they also haven't given me any time to be with myself… and to release a lot of built up grief, anxiety, and tension that feels like has been brewing for quite some time. It’s not easy for me to take a step back and participate more in being rather than doing. Not only do I continually play the story in my mind that people are judging me hardcore, but also the sense of space means I need to sit with a lot of discomfort. 

I realize though that I’m not alone. I shared this in a group I’m taking part in in my yoga studio and it felt really nice to hear that others have the same experience. I think we all do this daily and sometimes it can take the form of some pretty destructive addictions. I often refer to them as compensations or state changers when working with clients. For example, skip feeling lonely and feel overly full with food instead or skip feeling anxious and feel a little tipsy. 

It’s hard to sit with our own emotions because I think we are all terrified to feel pain. I’m realizing though through this experience that I’m actually a lot happier overall when I allow myself to have some down days of intense crying (and probably one too many phone calls to my mom), than being repressed and feeling a low level state of depression. 

I think something that has been a big take away since coming here is to simply be with what is. Whatever it is your feeling, instead of trying to change it, be with it. Honor it and love it. I know it sounds strange, but I think the more we can love our very own pain, the more we can fall more and more into grace. 

I hope this helps you in some way, I look forward to writing & sharing more. Please leave a comment or a like if you feel inclined. =)